Exposing vulnerability

I am sharing this as it may help someone who is going through a difficult time. I have been reading Brad Stulberg’s book, ‘the practice of groundedness’. It talks about sharing vulnerability as a way to connect and build trust. This has inspired me to talk about my journey.

In 2017 I was diagnosed with pulmonary vein stenosis (PVS). I have artrial fibrillation (AF) and to help address this I ended up having four ablations. The average number is two but I was still experiencing AF symptoms which meant that the medical team were keen to continue with ablations until I was symptom free. The number of ablations led to the onset of PVS.

I woke one morning, experiencing significant pain in my chest. It felt like I was having a heart attack. Whilst we waited for an ambulance, my wife and I spoke about our finances and children. I was struggling to breath and in pain, my heart beat was irregular. In my head I kept saying to myself ‘Just be here when the ambulance arrives’. I was really scared and genuinely thought I was at risk of dying.

The next day I was diagnosed with PVS. I was in heart failure and my left lung was filled with fluid. I was told that I might need a heart and lung transplant but the team wanted to see if the situation could be addressed by a cardiologist. I required emergency treatment.

Whilst I waited for treatment I started to read research around the condition. The reading was not good and this did not help my mental state. The condition is quite rare in adults and the rates of successful recovery were not high.

During this period of time I became very withdrawn and isolated myself from my family. Looking back at this time I can see that this was a self protection strategy. I felt if I was to die then by putting some distance between myself and my family would serve as a protective barrier.

There was a doctor in London who felt he could help me. He was a very experienced cardiologists and had treated a few PVS patients previously.

My first conversation with the doctor, just before the operation, was a difficult one. He asked me why was I there to see him? I responded positively, ‘I am here so you can fix my heart and lung’. His response shocked me. ‘You’re not understanding the situation you are in. I am here today to save your lung. If today’s treatment does not work then I will need to remove your lung’. I was shocked. This was not an option which I had discussed with my family. Due to distances and travelling, my family were not with me I was not sure how to explain this news to them via a phone call. How could I explain this situation to them? In the end I did not because I couldn’t. The operation was due to start within an hour and I needed to get my mind in a good place.

The operation had shown that both left pulmonary veins had been completely closed at the entry into the lung. The doctor was able to get the veins open but unable to put in place any longer term solution. I have had two further treatments during which the medical team were able to put a mega stent into my upper left pulmonary vein. They were unable to carry out a longer term solution with the lower left pulmonary vein. I remember coming round after the third operation and being told that they were unable to stent the lower vein in a similar way. My first emotion was devastation. I was hoping for a longer term fix.

The doctors final words to me were ‘it is not a question of if you will need this procedure again but when’. This has left me with the feeling of a ticking time bomb and uncertainty about the future.

Since the operations in 2017 I have struggled with PTSD. I was shocked to be diagnosed with PTSD. I thought that this was only something that soldiers experienced. I was having terrible nightmares. My sensitivity to risk was heightened to the point were I could not even take my children to a playground. My mind was constantly tell me that I was vulnerable, unwell and in need of further treatment. I had some very dark periods.

In 2019 things became almost too much. The PTSD, dark periods and feeling inadequate and vulnerable came to a point. I could not see my value or worth. I felt like a hindrance to my family, they would be better off without me. I made a plan. I was going to end my life. Dying would be easier than living. My family, friends and work would be better off without me.

In my work I have witnessed the impact that the loss of a parent can have on a young person. It was this knowledge that stopped my from carrying out my plans. My plan to end my life would involve a series of steps. This, I hoped, would give me time for the rational side of my mind to kick in and protect me.

To date, I still struggle and have very dark periods. I have learnt that in these times I have to be careful with myself and be more aware to control my dark thoughts. I feel that these could still potentially have the power to take me to a difficult place. I still get times when I see ending my life as the best option out of the situation.

I had always thought that I had a strong mind. I saw mental health as a weakness and something which only weak people suffered with. My beliefs on this have completely changed. Mental health problems can affected anyone. It is not about how strong you are. If you are struggling, reach out and seek help. If you think someone might be having difficulties then speak with them. If someone has a broken arm it is easy to see the problem. Mental health challenges are not visible in the same way. Be kind to each other, you never know what someone is dealing with.

Currently my physical situation is fairly stable. A recent test has shown my left lung usage is half that of the right one. The medical team are not too worried about this at the moment. They will monitor it to see when further treatment is needed.

My mental health is a daily, sometimes hourly battle. I am going to seek further professional help with this.

I have not shared this for sympathy. I know that there are many people who have far more serious issues to deal with. I hope that this helps someone to reach out for support or for someone to offer help to another person. I hope that is also shows that it is okay not to be okay.

Stay safe and be kind.

Applying mindset principles to my own situation.

My @growthmindset1 has been a little quiet recently. The reason for this is because I have not been very well. I want to share my situation in case there is someone out there that is going through anything similar. I know that I have found strength and motivation from other people’s stories.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid. I had all the classic symptoms – weigh loss, memory fog, intolerance to heat, shakes and anxiety. I was also suffering from atrial fibrillation which was attributed to the over active thyroid. Medication controlled the thyroid function but doctors were keen to look for a longer term solution as I was 34 years old.

In 2010 I under went radioactive iodine treatment to resolve my thyroid issue. Over the next few months, following this treatment, my thyroid became under active, which seems to be a typical outcome. I started to take thyroxine to regulate my thyroid function.

My thyroid function has proved difficult to control. I have learnt that having a thyroid function within the normal range does not always mean that you feel great. Most doctors do not accept this, the most common view is that if it is in the normal range then you are ok. I have found a couple of doctors who have adopted a much more patient friendly approach and they ask the question,”How do you feel?”. This approach has meant that we have now identified that I feel much better which a TSH level closer to 1.2. If it is over 2.0 then I do not feel good. It is great to let the patient feelings override the biochemistry results. After all what is normal?

It is worth mention that, for me, having a TSH reading above 2.0 meant that I had many of the underactive thyroid symptoms – weigh gain, tiredness, muscle cramps, depression, mental fatigue and sensitivity to cold. It was difficult for some doctors to recognise these symptoms as being unwanted. If seems that if you look well, all is ok.

In 2012 I had an episode of atrial fibrillation. This had to be treated by electrocardioversion to put my heart back into sinuous rhythm. Interestingly my TSH was 3.72. This had doctors scratching their heads as this indicates that it is under active which would not normally trigger atrial fibrillation.

In 2014 I had my first catheter ablation. During this process the area in your heart responsible for the misfiring that leads to atrial fibrillation is identified. The surrounding cells are then damaged using radio frequencies that generate heat. The latest research shows that the cells surrounding the pulmonary veins are often responsible for the misfiring that leads to atrial fibrillation. These were targeted in my heart and all four pulmonary vein openings were burnt. This leads to scarring in the area which should prevent the misfiring signal.

The success rate of this process is not high and unfortunately in my situation this did not resolve the problem of atrial fibrillation. I went on to have more episodes of atrial fibrillation.

In 2016 I decided to look at my lifestyle with the aim of making it healthier. I watch what I eat and I have been doing HiiT sessions (thanks Joe Wicks his YouTube sessions), cycling and walking as much as possible. I was feeling good. My fitness improved, I lost 20kg and I had more energy. To fit the exercise into my daily routine I get up at 5.30am, workout and then I am finished by the time that the family wakes up. This is a great way to start your day. It gives you a great energy rush. My mindset has been to have the discipline to get out of bed and try to do better today than I did yesterday. After each ablation I have had to start again to build my exercise levels back up. This has been mentally challenging but the desire to get better has really been a strong driving force.

In 2017 I had my fourth ablation. I believe the average is 2-3. Since this ablation I have not had any episodes of atrial fibrillation (touching lots of wood here!). I have, We however, experienced different issues. I have been struggling with my breathing and have had four chest infections in the last four months. I have also developed a premature ventricular ectopic heart beat. These symptoms have been dismissed and have not been linked to each other or my previous medical history. The dots were not joined.

A few weeks ago I had a CT heart scan, this was suggested by the surgeon that had carried out the ablations.

In the last two weeks I have been experiencing pain in the left side of my chest along with the breathing difficulties. This worried me as I had been feeling much fitter. Walking upstairs would now leave me out of breath.

On Thursday I was woken up with severe chest pains. An ambulance came and I was taken to hospital. The CT scan had shown that I have one completely blocked pulmonary vein and one that is seriously narrowed. This have been caused as a result of the scarring from the ablations. This is not due to the fault of anyone, it is a risk attached to the procedure. These blockages are causing fluid to build up around my lungs which is leading to the pain and breathing difficulties that I am experiencing.

I am currently waiting for emergency heart surgery to open the veins again. It is hoped that following this surgery my health should improve and I should be able to resume normal activities.

This has been quite a journey. I realise that I am incredibly fortunate to have had great medical opportunities and support. There are many people who would not have had this type of option. I also understand that there are many people dealing with far more serious and life changing situations. On the grand scale of things this situation is minor. I am sharing this for a couple of reasons:

1.  There have been many times when I have had to question medical advice. This can be intimidating to do and at times you are made to feel like a nuisance but it is through this questioning that my condition has been identified and is on course to be resolved.
2. There were times that giving up and taking an easy option were very attractive options. It is at these times that you have to dig deeper. At these times it is important to have something to work towards. My goal was to get fitter and healthier so I can enjoy my time with my young family.  I have used many of the quotes and motivational videos shared on @growthmindset1 to keep me going. I have a number of these quotes and messages on my fridge so I can read them at low points.

I wish you health and happiness.

The impact of the new English and maths GCSEs

In June 2017, year 11 students will be the first cohort to complete the new GCSEs in English and mathematics. 

This is the first time in my teaching career that the nature of the grades awarded will change. The grading system will move from A* to G to the new scale of 9 to 1. This change is presenting many new challenges.

Challenge 1 – teachers are unable to confidently grade work

Year 11 students are less than two terms away from completing their exams in English and maths. It is fair to say that the guidance from the exam boards around grading has been limited. The exam boards have said that they will only be in a position to award grades once they have all the papers marked. The exam boards are expected to ensure that the same percentage of students that achieved a grade C+ last year will achieve a grade 4+ this academic year. 

The GCSE exams are high stakes exams for students and schools. This is creating a great deal of uncertainity for teachers, students and parents. 

Challenge 2 – loss of coursework

The reformed GCSEs contain either less or no coursework component. This means that students will be awarded grades based either heavily or entirely on their performance in an end of course exam. Research has shown that this style of assessment can favour boys more so that girls. It will be interesting to see the affects. 

Every year there are a number of students that for a variety of genuine reasons are not able to complete their exams. This can be due to serious on going medical conditions or unfortunate accidents. If students are unable to complete a certain number of exams for a subject, so that they have completed a specified amount of the course, then the students cannot be award a grade. The completion of coursework has supported students in this situation in previous years. How will these students be dealt with in future years?

Challenge 3 – transition to college

Colleges seem to be setting entry requirements at a grade 4 or above for the new GCSE English and maths. Interestingly the DfE have stated that a grade 5 is a good pass at GCSE. This potentially creates a gap which may affect students later in their career. In theory a student could  embark on their A level studies and maybe even complete a degree with a grade 4 in English and maths. Depending on a student’s career choice they could be asked at a later date if they have passed their English and maths qualifications. How will students be supported in this situation?

Overall

The challenges that schools and students are facing as they complete these new GCSEs are creating greater levels of stress and anxiety. The all or nothing ethos of exam only asssesments is going to be a real challenge mentally for students. As teachers we need to prepare students for this so that they have the right mindset to cope. 

But I am not a lion!

In both role as a dad and a teacher I can see the importance of developing growth mindset principles. I have posted other articles about strategies which I have used in the classroom but as yet I have not shared any experiences from my role as dad.

My eldest son is 7 and is currently in year 2. We have spoken about learning new things from the point of view of practice, failing and hard work. He has learnt to swim, read, ride his bike and has recently started to learn karate. We have used these as opportunities to talk about practice and making mistakes. We have watch the video below and discussed how we learn. This may sound like I am being a ‘tiger’ dad but I see helping children to develop resilience and a positive attitude towards their learning as crucial and as something that needs to start when they are young.

How we learn

My son has given me some great responses, following our discussions, and some of the tweets from the @growthmindset1 account are his words. For example he once said to me ‘If I try something and it does not work, I will keep trying different things until I get it right.’ These moments gave me hope that we were building his resilience and understanding of how we learn new things.

This weekend my son had some homework to complete. One activity was linked to identifying adjectives in sentences. He approached this with enthusiasm. The shock came when I lifted the second homework sheet out of his back.

The second sheet contained activities linked to telling the time. There were a number of clocks and the activity required him to write the time shown on each clock. As soon as he saw the sheet he dropped his pencil and said ‘I can’t do that sheet, only the lions can do that sheet!’ I had clearly missed some communication from school or possibly from the Kenyan Government on the introduction of times pieces to their prides. I was confused. He then continued, ‘You have to be smart to do that sheet, the lions are smart. I am in a group below them and not as smart.’

After further questions I learnt the following. The class is split into groups and the lions are the top maths group. This sheet was one of their activities which had been given to him to try. The fact he did not want to try was really interesting. He believed only ‘smart’ people could do these questions. There was no point in trying as he was not in the ‘smart’ group.

I do not believe that the school has labelled pupils as ‘smart’, rather I think that the pupils have identified a kind of pecking order. I will ask the school about this just to confirm my thinking. Either way the impact on my son is interesting.

I spoke with my son about hard work and trying things. ‘If we make a mistake we can learn from it and fix it,’ I said. After a short chat he was ready to give it a go. He managed, with some pointers, to complete the sheet. At the end he was both shocked and proud that he had completed the sheet. My final question to him was, ‘So, can you be a lion?’ He replied with a smile, ‘Yes, if you try, and work hard.’

This made me reflect on how our words and actions as parents, teachers and coaches impact on children. Our words and actions can create enthusiasm and self belief or they can create pupils who do not want to challenge themselves for either fear of failure or the belief that they are not smart enough to try.

Reflections on using growth mindset approaches to challenge and motivate students.

As a teacher I have been working with two groups of students teaching them chemistry in preparation for their GCSE exam which they completed in June 2016. After reading about growth mindset, talent and the importance of what motivates us I was very keen to implement some of these ideas in to my classroom practice. This required me to take some risks in my approach to the curriculum and lessons, and at times I had doubts about how the process was going, but by the end of the course the outcomes were totally unexpected. This is not a scientific process because I did not have a control group to compare these students against but I believe, and more importantly the students believe, that this growth mindset approach made a big difference to their approach to learning. 

Using the ideas of Robert Bjork I decided to break the course up in to smaller blocks of learning and organise them so that we could revisit ideas on a regular basis. Interleaving the course in this way made the progress slow at times. There were occasions that it felt like we were wading through porridge. I felt the students losing interest as they were not making the gains as quickly as they were used to. I explained the process to the students and how interleaving is a learning journey with a slower but deeper gain. We stuck with it. 

At the end of the first year we had a eureka moment. The interleaving suddenly fell into place. The students started to link ideas and they could see how their ideas were building on previous learning. The change was noticeable, the students grew in confidence, it was a big relief! 

This experience reflects the research data. The interleaving, or mixed, learners having a lower performance in practice but performing better by the end of the course. 

In terms of challenging the students approach, mindset and commitment to their learning I used growth mindset principles. McPherson showed that if students commit to their learning then the practice which they complete will  have a greater impact. 

I shared the John Wooden quote on success with the students,’Success is the peace of mind in knowing that you did you best to be the best you are capable of’. This seemed to reduce the pressure of achieving grades for the students. They were no longer chasing a grade A or A* but were trying to improve to be the best they could be. This created a path to mastery rather than a path to a target grade which reflects the principles of Dan Pink’s book ‘The surprising truth about what motivates us’. As part of the drive to improve and learn from mistakes we made part of each lesson on a Friday a review lesson. We would mark work, identifying the best mistakes and discuss them as a way to learn from them. One or two students were reluctant to share mistakes and I had to persist with this strategy with them. Their initial thinking was that if they made mistakes it meant that they had failed and were not good at that particular area. One student told me ‘If I have to try, it means I am no good at something’. It seemed that for some students they would rather fail by not trying than have tried and failed. I believe that this is a way of students saving face among their peers, ‘I did not do well today but it does not matter as I did not try’. It was important that this way of thinking should be removed as it was a barrier to progress.  We kept coming back to the core growth mindset principles and, although it took a while, eventually everyone really started to adopt a growth mindset attitude, recognising hard work and effort as the key to success. 

When talking to students I asked them what success would look like for them. We referred to the ‘Iceberg of success’, recognising practice, mistakes, repetition and hard work as key parts of learning. 

Students began to recognise success in other members of the group. We got students to talk about what they were doing to be successful. This was very powerful. It dismissed the belief that some students are successful because they were ‘just smart’. Students talked about the hard work and practice they were doing at home, this was the work that the other students did not see. This was a pivotal moment as students realised that they too could be successful if they worked harder on certain areas. We also used other experiences to show that you can improve through hard work and practise. There were students in the group who were good horse riders, skiers and musicial performers. We talked about what they had done to be seen as successful. This led to the creation of #nooneisbornwithskiesontheirfeet and #nooneisbornonahorse which were used by the group. 

The outcomes from this group were unexpected. Their confidence grew, as did their passion for learning and the subject. Many students within this group went on to study A level chemistry at college. The principles which they had learnt, had been applied to other subjects and aspects of their life. A number of parents came to ask about these ideas as they had been discussed at home and they were impressed with the changes they had seen in their children. In terms of exam results, over 75% of the group achieved a grade A* or A with students working on average a grade and a half above government expectation. 

If you need to try it means you are not smart

Just before the summer term ended I was working with a group of students who were due to complete an end of year exam. They had worked hard and had been given plenty of notice prior to the exam in order to complete personal revision.

We had spoken about the fact that ‘hard work equals success’ and that ‘repetition is the key’ in terms of revision. The class had discussed the importance of doing their best so that they could be proud of their achievements. We had used the John Wooden quote below to support our conversations.

They had been given a great resource to support their preparation. Each student had a couple of work books which contained a list of all the core knowledge that they needed to know. We discussed different ways which this could be used to support their revision.

There were two students whose outcomes I would like to highlight as they illustrated the importance and impact of a growth mindset.

Student 1 – achieved a good grade in terms of the qualification but a grade which was below the student’s expectation.                                              

During a post exam conversation we discussed the student’s outcomes and preparation for the exam. The student’s response to my questions are below.

• Are you happy with your grade? No
• Why do you think that your grade was lower than you expected? I did not complete much revision
• You were told about the test along time ago. Why did you not complete much revision? I did not think that I needed to try too hard and prepare for the exam. I thought I would be ok. 
• Why did you not think that you needed to try hard and prepare for the exam? If you need to work hard to prepare then you are not smart. 

Student 2 – achieved a score of 90%+ which was significantly higher than any scores of grades in previously completed work.

Again the student and myself discussed their preparation and outcomes.

• Are you pleased with the grades you achieved? Yes because I worked hard.
• Why are you grades in this exam higher than in the work you have previously completed?  When I was revising I focussed my time on learning and understanding the topics which I found challenging in my previously completed work. 
• What did you do to help improve your knowledge and understanding of the topics you had previously found challenging? I used the core knowledge booklets and kept going over the work until I could remember it. I also completed the problems I needed to improve on over and over again.

There are some powerful growth mindset messages in this work.

If I am smart I do not need to try.p

 In the UK students are currently completing their final preparations for the GCSE exams in the summer. I am teaching two groups who be will completing their chemistry GCSE at this time.

During the year I have spoken with my classes about the importance of deliberation practice, learning from mistakes and the fact that it is hard work which leads to success. We have the iceberg of success on our classroom wall as a constant reference.

 I have worked to constantly reference the growth mindset core principals so that they become part of our everyday lessons and part of our learning culture. The impact with students has been fantastic. The power of ‘not yet’ has really shown students that with hard work they can improve. There have been some great responses with students pushing themselves and taking risks with their learning, not being afraid to fail. Many students have surprised themselves, working beyond what they believed were they limits.

A new criteria to measure attitude towards learning

Schools in the UK are currently preparing for the changes to the assessment of GCSE qualifications which will be introduced from 2017 onwards.

As part of this work I have given myself the task of reviewing the schools attitude criteria which will be used to communicate a students attitude towards their learning to parents, students and colleagues.

Our current criteria have been useful but I would like the new criteria to reflect some of the latest ideas around growth mindset. The criteria will focus on the following areas: facing challenges, dealing with setbacks, effort and responding to feedback.

I have not given each criteria a phrase or word descriptor yet. I am giving these some thought. Any suggestions welcome.

The criteria need some tweaking to give more flow between them but I thought I would them at this stage even though I am not yet there.

Attitude Key – Proposed 

 

4. ??????????????
a) Facing challenges	*They readily embrace challenges with the highest levels of motivation and enthusiasm, showing a great deal of perseverance to produce work of their highest standard.
b) Ability to learn core knowledge	*Their work shows that they have learnt the core essential knowledge and can apply it to a wide variety of situations within the subject.
c) Dealing with set backs	*They readily takes risks, recognising setbacks as an important part of learning. They are able to reflect fully on setbacks to help develop understanding
d) Effort	*They consistently approach their learning with their highest level of effort. They regularly use practice and redrafting to complete and improve the quality of their work.
e) Response to feedback	*They regularly accept feedback from a variety of sources, responding to it in a positive way to improve the quality of their work.
f) Prepared for learning	*Their attitude and behavior supports their learning and they always have the correct equipment, whilst consistently meet deadlines and make a great contribution in class.
3. ???????????
a) Facing challenges	*They readily embrace challenges with high levels of motivation and enthusiasm, showing a great deal of perseverance to produce work of their highest standard.
b) Ability to learn core knowledge	*Their work shows that they have learnt the core essential knowledge and can apply it to a variety of situations within the subject.
c) Dealing with set backs	*They show a willingness to take risks, recognising setbacks as a part of learning. They are able to reflect on setbacks to develop their understanding.
d) Effort	*They approach their learning with a consistently high level of effort. They regularly use practice and redrafting to complete and improve the quality of their work.
e) Response to feedback	*They regularly accept feedback from a variety of sources, responding to it in a positive way to improve the quality of their work.
f) Prepared for learning	*Their attitude and behavior supports learning with students always having the correct equipment, consistently meeting deadlines and making a good contribution in class.
2. ??????????????
a) Facing challenges	*They embrace challenges showing motivation, enthusiasm and perseverance in order to work at their best level in most lessons.
b) Ability to learn core knowledge	*Their work shows that they have learnt the core essential knowledge and can apply it, with guidance, to a variety of situations within the subject.
c) Dealing with set backs	*They take risks, with guidance, recognising setbacks as a part of learning. They are developing the ability to use setbacks to support future understanding.
d) Effort	*They approach their learning with a consistent level of effort. They use practice and redrafting to complete and improve the quality of their work.
e) Response to feedback	*They accept feedback from a variety of sources, responding to it to improve the quality of their work.
f) Prepared for learning	*Their attitude and behavior supports their learning and they always have the correct equipment, whilst meeting deadlines and making a contribution in class.
1. ???????????
a) Facing challenges	*They have limited motivation and enthusiasm when faced with a challenge and they lack perseverance causing them to give up easily.
b) Ability to learn core knowledge	*Their work shows that their learning is being affected as they have not yet learnt the subject core knowledge.
c) Dealing with set backs	*They need to take risks and use setbacks to support future learning and help develop understanding.
d) Effort	*Their approach lacks effort. They need to use practice or redrafting to help improve the quality of work. Their work is often incomplete.
e) Response to feedback	*They are reluctant to accept or respond to feedback to improve the quality of their work.
f) Prepared for learning	*Their attitude and behavior is disruptive causing learning to be limited. They need to be more prepared for their learning by bringing the correct equipment to lessons, meeting deadlines and making a more positive contribution in lesson.